REVIEW

Sex and the City – the Review
Okay, I finally humbled myself to watch the much hyped US television series turned full-length movie, Sex and the City. I must confess that I was a fan of the television series (the same way I am a Cheaters fan) the same way I have been of almost all the HBO shows, including their comedies. I was a fan of the prison drama Oz and many other HOB shows because in my own narrow mind their shows are the bomb.

So, here I was drugging myself to finally making time at 00h30 and watching Sex and the City with an intention of finding out what the whole hype was about. For all I know the series and film revolutionized fashion and product placement. Indeed the hype was valid, I was bowled over by the four ladies and the men in their lives, plus a small role by Jeniffer Hudson as Carrie Bradshaw’s PA. I must also confess that I have always liked Big because he struck me as a principled man who loves Carrie without any strings attached. The kind of man who don’t want a piece of paper to validate what he feels. How can a man move in with you if he doesn’t love you?

However on the film his paranoia almost fucks up everything big time. Leaving a woman who has given a photo shoot to Vogue on the aisle is the worst any man can do. While Big didn’t leave Carrie on the aisle he just didn’t show up for the first take at their wedding while Carey was surrounded by friends and well-wishers, partly because of Charlotte’s daughter (go see for yourself what she did) and Miranda, who dished out her frustrations with her man on Big.

I like the director’s treatment of sex; it’s crisp, juicy, sensual and really deep. Carrie, They don’t make love but bonk. However they bonk with a lot of passion, energy and love. There’s a repeated scene of Samantha’s neighbour in Los Angeles who spends his nights bonking on the verandah. And do they make noise? Hell yeah! It becomes interesting when Samantha finally catches the same stud in a ménage trios and their eyes lock when he catches him showering. On the shower that’s when you get to briefly see his sausagy bloated dick and you cease wondering why two chicks were singing his praises one night on the couch.

Sex and the City is a film for the liberal mind and people wanting to learn something about their own relationship dynamics. Love is one thing we all can’t live with or without and it’s important to understand what makes a man put his career before a moment between the thighs of his woman. What makes a woman don’t want a man to change his fuck-position when she’s on the roll. What makes men lose interest and start making calls to Dr Paul. It’s about navigating Chapman’s Peak in a Ferrari or bundu-bashing without a Garmin.

And finally why that man who loves you like a fat kid loves cakes will be the last to put a diamond on your finger while swearing to god that he loves you with all his heart. This is a film to rent out once in a while with your partner, get a bottle of vintage Pinotage and 500 grams of white cheddar and boiled hake. Then get couched under covers on one rainy night and have fun. Enjoy the shortest two and a half hours of your life.

I strongly recommend it even for those who thought the film was about a celebration of gays and oversexed bimbos. Once in a while we all want to have it all; Sex and the bright City lights.

YAH

Definition of Humans

It's just that baboons are not too overly ambitious, otherwise they'd be bonking humans if they believed a little bit in themselves. That's so because humans are so mentally retarded they don't need any seriousl convincing to drop their pants. Give a baboon a gold necklace, a blood diamond ring, a Mini Cooper S, a bundle of Zim dollar dosh and two ecstacy pills and you'll soon catch it in an orgy with the pageant Queen and her First Princess.

That's how cheap humans have become since dosh became the currency of choice. Broke chicks just dress up and go to clubs though they heard the Jermaine Dupri saying 'if I buy you a drink I'm going home with you'.

Afrosliqdiva posted about a skank whose hair was recently ruffled by a Naija-ass-dick after a quick shag. Two years ago there was a cellphone shot video of a Witbank skank taking a 12-inch unwrapped Naija dick for a mere R2000 (even AIDS is tagged higher).

If you thought homo sapiens won't bonk apes in cars for a bottle of Sarita, just go to any club on any given Friday or Saturday night. No wonder AIDS is so serious we bury so many humans every weekend, because baboons can have HIV but they won't die from AIDS.

DIARY

Anonymous Confesses

When I was eleven years old growing up in the townships where everybody lies their way to get ends, a friend of mine, I’ll call him Jimmy to save myself from an overdue litigation process, once came to me with this broad smile that can only be seen on Colgate advertisements (I hated that smile) and revealed to religious me that the purest unadulterated bliss ever was found in sex- or it was sex. At eleven I asked myself how did he know about that since me and him haven’t even yet started receiving every young man’s first freebie, a wet dream. I only discovered years later that he was taking me for a ride and had to find out by myself that there was indeed bliss beyond sex. I had to find out first hand and first time, as we all know by now was rather an adrenaline rush, scary, unprotected, quick and anti-climaxic.

Now when years later at college I saw a similar smile on Bobby (that’s Robert for some) I became concerned. Now Bob was Caucasian and the population demographics and perversion figures at the time suggested that he knew a lot about S&M than most of us, me included. But when he came to class one morning smiling like he’d had an overdose of happy pills I became worried, more since he had a habit of entertaining me over cappuccino and Marlboros (he smoked) at the canteen with what I called “little white lies” not because they were mythically innocent but because he was white. He, before his filter could catch the flame from the plastic lighter he was using was quick telling me that the night before he and Nikki (Nikki who?) have had the purest synthetically prepared hormone busting unadulterated round of blissfully intense oral sex, first time nogal. I swear I saw little Jimmy’s face with a missing incisor in Bob’s cigarette ravaged one as he told me how they came to it. How? Well, one thing led to another. A cliché perhaps.

I can’t lie and say it didn’t get my juices boiling and willy excited since Bob was a gifted storyteller but I resolved that minute, the longest minute of my life with Bob that I was going to do it, even if it meant planning it with the precision of Operation Desert Storm. I was going to be Norman Schwarzkopf (Colin Powell perhaps) for one week. One good thing about me is that I normally end up getting the things I want, no matter how awkward they may seem.

My first obstacle was that Mimi, my girlfriend then was a devout Catholic who not only didn’t believe in sex before marriage, but not even in condoms. She harboured ambitions of being the first female pope, I suspected. So, I concluded that not even Schwarzkopf, Dick Cheney or Powell could have conquered such a fortified faith. Thus, Mimi was out of the picture and a substitute with a big healthy appetite for adventure was found. Her name was Lizzy, spoiled-adrenaline-junkie-model C brat who not only carried a dildo in her handbag but also liked to flirt with me sucking on it gently, making willy to complain about my quiet diplomacy.

So, Lizzy was to be given the impression that I loved her and that I was a Wish For A Dream patron whose one ultimate fantasy was oral sex. She was charitable but not stupid. She wanted to know what was in it for her. Well, I placed my chips on the table and promised her a muff, which her orders were that I had to be the first one to go down then she, my willing guinea pig will milk and leave me, not only dry but a made-misogynist. I loved the dry part.

The first thing I did was to hit CNA while it was still CNA and pick up some relevant magazines and go for the juicy letters. Next, countless dirty games with myself later, I sneaked into an Adult Video shop and walked out with two fresh French flicks that only left me dying for a dose of non-realism courtesy of my Swazi spliff. Lizzy, I figured must have waxed her legs many times to get herself used to the irritation that normally comes with first time waxes. For obvious reasons I fancied her punani with all its glitz and glory not shaven. Less make-up, no pussy colognes, no inhibitions and no biting please (remove your incisors if you can Lizzy). Lizzy, like me, was no sexpert but faking it. The stage was set. The venue, my place, the setting, more like the set of Sex and the City (Carey Bradshaw's bedroom), the music, Michael Learns To Rock, lighting, red and blue with lots of candles and Moet on ice. The date, Friday, 18h00 for 22h00. Admission, her medical records to see if she doesn't get seizures and bite her tongue, which today was going to be wrapped around my friend, Willy. Voyeurs welcome.

First times are always scary and nothing can prepare you for a moment of crossing the bridge, the rite of passage. All the glossies and videos plus seven breath-ins never prepared me for when I heard a knock on my door. I swear my heart skipped like it did when I first tasted a kiss. Lizzy was all that and like Eric Clapton I echoed, “you look wonderful tonight” she said thank you and proceeded past me to the lazy-boy to perch herself there. She smelled so good I felt that I needed to brush-floss-brush my teeth again before I took the honour of going down on her.

I went to the sofa and touched her silky legs, she asked me if I had condoms, just incase. I said "no" she wanted to know why? “Because condoms are superficial, they think they are the best things to happen to human beings since sex was invented”. She reasoned that if sperm was liquid gold all males would be using condoms and whores wouldn’t allow any condom wise male to procure from them. Busy seductively sucking on her index finger she said that men didn’t like condoms because sperm was sh*t and of no monetary value and they were just dumping it on women. To me all the sex politics didn’t matter as long as she was not resisting my journey northwards.

When amid all the ecstasy and adrenaline rush she peeled off her clothes I felt myself losing control and contemplated excusing myself so I could light a ready-made pencil spliff, inhale hungrily to slow down my responses and delay my nut which was tired of knocking and threatening to break down the door. I thought of proposing a 69 since there were chances that she might not give me my blowjob, which was the reason why we were around such decadence in the first place. 69? Amateurs? No ways.

When she perched her naked self on the sofa and invited me, I played my part, damn, my fantasy was coming live and I was suddenly nursing a rippling heartbeat. I idly took off my clothes to her blushing at witnessing Willy standing to attention like a soldier on parade.

To sound less explicit I today confess for the first time in eight years that I failed to stop my seed’s explosive emergency exit courtesy of Willy just ten seconds into sinking my teeth into the juiciest saucy piece of flesh since the fruit of wisdom. The oomph was just wow. Lizzy couldn’t stop herself losing control and calling me names (all names except of Bill Clinton)

Just as I was disappointed that I had lost the drive for good, it was Lizzy’s turn to make me a misogynist. I thought about Viagra since I couldn’t imagine Willy rising to the occasion. But then I guess the doctors who invented the blue pill obviously used some sticky female saliva as Lizzy’s fellatio defied everything Freud ever dreamt of. The job climaxed in an earth-shattering-twenty five volt-electrocuting-spasmodic-gravity defying-tantrum-throwing demon -evoking giant boo-ya-ka (a throwdown or a nut to end all nuts). Fifteen minutes later I was madly in love with Lizzy and far from misogynist. It was the first time for both of us but unlike with sex it never left me disappointed. The truth was, I enjoyed it but the thrill wasn’t exactly what I read about in the dirty magz I used for preparation and what Bob described to me, neither was I lost in passion like the paid actors I saw on the skin flicks, French men with curly oily hair who, though they were paid couldn’t fade Lizzy’s acting at the cunnilingus.

First time it was good, but years later I’ve got an addiction. Can anybody please get me a Blowjob Anonymous number? I think I’m so into it I might as well write a book about it. I discovered earlier this year that my Mimi has got a baby (out of the wedlock nogal, if only I stayed a little bit longer) and named it after me (such a funny name, ha-ha) that Bob was lying that morning at the canteen as he confessed to me this year (minus Marlboro filters later) following his discovery of reality and his new found born-again Christian status. Lizzy disappeared into the glitz of sub-urbia (good for her). And me damn, I just kissed and told. Well, that’s a page from my 1994 diary and it feels like an oomph.

UPDATE; Lizzy has just been appointed Project Manager for Blowjob Anonymous and her real name is Nomonde
Willy's name has been changed to Judas, after a few betrayals following alcohol and narcotics binges
Bob was recently promoted to Station Commissioner for Gr************k SAPS
The little lying friend passed away last year of complications related to a heart bypass surgery

THE QUIET SILENCE OF THE NIGHT

The night carries with it VERY DARK secrets that if exposed would result in governments crumbling and chief whips being whipped every festive season, same like poor Goniwe

SEX & THE C!TY

"I've met the most wonderful girl through this site, was skeptical at first about internet dating". This are the words of a satisfied customer on an online dating service that prides itself of having more people from Nelspruit than anywhere else in the country. Durban's Victoria Embankment is filled with its own breed of sex-hunters and providers, Pretoria's Burger's Park even spots moffies while Union Buildings has the hetero. But Nelspruit beat them hands down because it simply seeks for it on-line. Could be that because the town can get too cold in Winter and too hot in summer, so they rather flood the net. You are not going to be told the name of the dating service loved by the Lowvelders, because it simply needs to advertise with us and give us moolah for publicizing its services. However it is intriguing how many lonely Nelspruit men and women are flocking to the internet to advertise themselves to potential 'customers'. Oops, maybe they are not called customers because they are not buying like they do in Durbs and Jozi but simply hooking up.

It seems bonking and not visiting the Kruger National Park or the Eastern Transvaal is a favourite pastime for some of the city's loneliest people. Any person who has been in love before would testify that at some stage the temptation to free-fall and get whomever promises a stable monied relationship, a good six-packed body, healthy no smoking no drinking habits and BEE laced income has turned them on. Loneliness is the worst thing to can happen to anyone because no matter how much money you have it still has a way of catching up with you. I wouldn't wish loneliness on anyone. There's been stories of men coming from as far as Jozi and Cape Town to sample some of the Lowveld nectar, and do they really cut to the chase like rabbits? You tell me, they say this other guy was so raunchy that two minutes after being let into the house he was already yawning following a rapid quickie.

What's more, with the discreet service that comes with the internet you can be certain that Nelspruit is indeed loving, across the racial divide (plus most of those in the net are either Coloured or White). You are not going to be told about who is lonely today because they could easily be the wo/man who showed no interest at the Riverside Mall or Crossing Shopping Complex when you tried to chat them over the weekend at that fancy coffee shop next to the two bookstores, or your neighbour or the person sitting next to you in the taxi to Kamagugu. For all you know it can even be your boss, the one with a (house)wife, three children aged 22, 20, 17 and a 12,5 kilogram pot-belly? Or your moral compass, what/whoever collar it puts around its neck.

Messages posted on the 'Success Stories' site of the dating sites are encouraging. On the one visited the prelude came from Mark, while Yolandi posted this one, "Boy, was I surprised at the number of stunning people I met on this site! And that's how I met Willie in November 2005. The subscription fee was the BEST investment I have ever made in my future - I mean, just look at the return on my investment!!!! Stunning stunning site!!!!". It is said that some of the loyal visitors to these sites are brothers and sisters from the Northern part of Africa who just want some real magic, or some citizenship, or some validation about kinkiness, or some forbidden fruit, or nameless something-something, or just a moment of unadulterated madness between sheets.

Who knows, maybe internet dating is the way to go in this busy world of making money and networking. Maybe people don't get enough time to do the simple, chat the person you like, ask them out and let it grow from there. Probably future marriages would have been found on the net. Truckers have figured that a long while ago when they decided not to cohabit but bonk and move to the next destination. Congress of South African Trade Unions Willie Madisha, speaking at the Transportation Conference in Limpopo last year called the behaviour of some truckers, 'AIDS on wheels'.

As a consolation or a freebie from your kulture-watcher it might make sense for you to post information and a picture of yourself on one of the ones you will access through a search engine. Sorry, we are not one of them. They all claim to "provides a secure, hassle-free environment where people can meet to form new online relationships. Whether you're looking for new friends, a quick soiree in the world of online dating, or the love of your life, you're sure to find someone special amongst our thousands of personal ads. Using 'us' is quick, easy, safe and completely anonymous", one of them claim.

There are equally lots of interesting people to meet and to meet you on one of them. A beautiful woman who posted her picture named Phlox posted this message, "I think the only reason why a person would want to know someone or me in this case, is pure interest... I am an interesting person because I have a different personality to..." Good luck!