NEWS

Let Sleeping Dogs Lie?
Dog Eat Dog in the ANC

On a week that we saw a lot of altercations between the media and people who think they are above the law isn’t it interesting that it ended on an encouraging note. Not only did we see the Visagie AWB chap being hackled by e.tv’s Chris Maroleng after he blew his lid while being interviewed by the daughter of a pan-Africanist Lebogang Pheko.

The week ended well because finally ANC chief Jacob Zuma decided to develop some teeth. On Saturday he finally promised to sink them so deep into Juju that the poor boy with a Sandton address will get rabies on the spot. But our understanding of their fragile relationships has informed some of us that JZ is a ram and Juju is trusted lapdog – more trusted than Mo Shaik.

See Juju started off as a Chihuahua – back in the days when spooks like Mo were vultures staking Thabo Mbeki. Juju was a Chihuahua with an in-built alto vuvuzela, a cheerleader really. Now Juju is barking like a German shepherd and his latest bark is ‘rubbish is what lies under your trousers, that’s rubbish… bastard…bladdy agent’. Poor Jonah Fisher timidly walked out since he couldn’t imagine ANC security guards who massacred so many people when Luthuli was still Shell House throwing his ‘white’ ass out of the skyscraper. They've done it before, they can do it again.

As journalist we always expect blood and gore when we go out on assignments but none at a Luthuli 11th floor media conference. Yes, most of the times we go out and really have to step over dry blood as we take pictures of warm corpses, but such an expectation will never cross our minds when invited to a Zimbabwe Tour Report Back media conference.

Now you see, these conferences are supposed to be choreographed by folks like Floyd Shibambu (he of Floetry fame) and no insurance taken since people hardly die at media conferences. We even leave our bulletproofs in the boots of our cars when we go to media conferences.

That’s until Juju stepped in and turned them into battle zones. Now JZ says he will hang him high by the balls. I’m surprised cuz I doubt if Juju does have balls. However it’s a welcome development.

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NEWS

You Got to be Kidding JuJu

Julius Malema arriving at Mapulaneng FET College for his brief stop in his way to a R50 million wedding

In what was seen as a futile effort to bolster the political career of embattled Bushbuckridge Local Municipality Executive Mayor Clr Milton Moreme, African National Congress Youth League president and serious retard Julius Malema two weeks ago read the Riot Act to people within the is own ANC who have been calling for the removal of the mayor.

Making sure he spoke in his trademark harsh tone, which has become a laughing instead of a threatening sentiment to his adversaries since Deborah Patta unmasked him, Malema accused fellow ANC members of doing such in drunken stupor. “Today after drinking beer and getting drunk we march and say we want to remove the mayor. If there’s any corruption happening with the mayor we talk about it in the ANC. If there’s a project that is unfinished we must bring it to the attention of the mayor. If there’s no water we don’t burn tyres and march, it’s old fashioned, we talk to the mayor. If there’s no work we let the mayor know that when such opportunities arise he must hire ANC volunteers because it’s them who go around putting up placards. Don’t burn tyres, we wait for his time to expire and we let him out” he shouted to wild applause from adoring fans so blinded by his rhetoric that they would ululate even if he farted on the microphone.

Moreme’s second term as a mayor of Bushbuckridge expires in 2011 and there is already factional wrangling over succession within the Bushbuckridge sub-region of the ANC. In what the youth league termed a Human Rights (March 21) rally Malema was in his defiant element, displaying delinquent behavior his supporters have come to expect from him. He started off by singing the song that has landed him in hot water, “Shoot the Boer”, reasoning that ‘we will never stop singing revolutionary songs. We must not allow Boers to tell us what to sing about. When they sing De La Rey we are not complaining”. [he has since been ordered to stop singing it by the High Court – his party is appealing the decision]

JuJu liaising with his comrade in arms, Milton Morema

In a prolonged vain attack he took pot-shots on the media, accusing it of being enemies of the revolution. “Vigilante journalists wrote a letter to the ANC leadership complaining about the ANCYL. Some of them don’t pay maintenance, I have papers and warrants for their arrests. We can’t allow this country to be run by journalists who write about our black leaders as they please. Who said whites don’t have their own stories. If we are not careful these people (media) will collapse the government”, he said to another wild applause before accusing the media of labeling (Nelson) Mandela a terrorist and insinuating that former ANCYL president Peter Mokaba died of AIDS. – The jury’s still out on this one.

He then touched on the contagious issue of nationalization, arguing that mining houses don’t leave flourishing communities in their wake but deserts after expropriating the mineral wealth – which is true. “South African minerals must benefit South Africans not Anglo American. These people will never agree on mineral wealth. We want the farms, they took them from us”, he went further. The then also demanded the nationalization of banks – something new from the magician politician.

Ending his forty five minutes rhetoric with his declaration to hate DA leader Helen Zille [because she’s white] he also attached the PAC [saying they don’t exist as a party] and COPE, alleging it’s a matter of time before he attends the funeral its COPE.

Excited Moreme promised the people that he will once again bring Malema to Bushbuckridge to kick-start local government elections in 2011.


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PARODY

Another Production from Azaniawood!

The Rise and Fall of Thabo Mbeki
Starring: Thabo Mbeki, Julius Malema, Gwede Mantashe and Jacob Zuma
Screenplay by: Julius Malema
Directed by: Tokyo Sexwale and Matthews Phosa
Produced by: The new ANC National Executive Committee
Executive Producer: Chancellor House Films

There’s an interesting storyline I swear I heard about Julius Malema. You see what has been happening in South Afrika this year is stuff that science fiction, espionage, romance, dramas and comedies are made of. I am also one of those thinking of hooking up a script about some of them and see if I can’t clock good moolah at the South Afrikan box office to make Mr. Bones look like a Noliwood b-grader titled Mr. Ibu.

I was saying there’s an intriguing storyline that I heard about Julius Malema that I pray does not lead to me and the people who leaked it to me facing lawsuits worth R7 million from the ANC Youth League president. But it’s nothing demeaning or attacking his dignity but more opinionated like Zapiro’s Lady Justice rape cartoon.

The storyline goes on like after nine months of calling for Thabo Mbeki’s head Julius was finally presented with it on a silver platter by ANC Secretary General Gwede Mantashe, who, like a good waiter at an upmarket restaurant was not marveling at the beauty on the platter since it was going to be accompanied by a phat bill.

The story goes on to say that the tray was so overflowing with blood and the grey-haired head of the former head of the republic which was slumped and sunken in the offensive liquid. The eyes were innocently closed and withdrawn. Julius refused to accept and returned it to Mantashe, reasoning to the SC that when he called for the head of the ANC aristocrat he was unaware that it will bleed that much, denying the Blood Bank four pints of fresh blood. Coward! I hear you say… pardon the young man, he’s not a killer just an aspiring one.

It is said that the way Mbeki sheepishly accepted his date with the guillotine went against every script conceived by Julius and his brethren. If you watched the documentary Behind the Rainbow you would remember somebody talking about putting your vanquished enemies against the wall, blindfolding them and shooting them as a sign of ultimate conquest. That is how young Julius scripted it, with a grand finale to spill everyone’s popcorns but it ended with an anticlimax that usually sees moviegoers remaining seated at the end to read the credits.

They wanted a Mbeki who would be pushed out of the presidency kicking and screaming while they raised the rhetoric ante on television. That he left without putting a fight and denied them the opportunity to call for his disciplinary since bowing out without even a squirm is a sign of discipline was not part of the script – The Rise and Fall of Thabo Mbeki.

Mbeki’s feeling that he had to explain himself to the nation of 47 million and not his party’s bosses showed little regard he had for the processes followed to dismiss him from high office. What he was seeing was a bunch of folks who have reservations about the integrity of the judiciary suddenly basing their main charge on his charge sheet on the declarations of a ‘counter-revolutionary’ named Judge Chris Nicholson.

The story goes on, but next time we will interrogate; Thabo Mbeki – The Dalai Lama of COPE
Starring: Terror Lekota, Mbhazima Shilowa, Thabo Mbeki, Buti Manamela and Anele Mda
Screenplay by: Buti Manamela
Directed by: Blade Nzimande and Zwelinzima Vavi
Produced by: Young Communist League
Executive Producer: South Afrikan Communist Party

Coming soon to a television set near you! Always Better on the Smaller Screen!