FEATURE

Vagina Monologues

Do you still remember the hype surrounding the women initiative called Vagina Monologues? It had something to do with giving vaginas a voice. Vaginas had to tell their own stories and be listened to. They had to inform the world about how they view abuse, syphillic penises plunging them hiding behind latex rubbers, pap-smears and what they think about cunnilingus. Celebrities from the left and right took the initiative to heart and spent countless hours attending Vagina Monologues meetings without actually letting us in on what is it that their own vaginas were saying.

We are still waiting for a transcript from her vagina on what it said it wants the world to know since we already know what the penis is saying loudly every morning, ‘UP YOURS’

Now, recently I have been inspired to revisit this subject after spending a cool five days with folks from Kwazulu-Natal who call the vagina ‘inkomo’. They use crude language like ‘ngifuna ukupotshoza inkomo’ and ‘ungabo ngifonela wenkosikazi wase Natala ngoba manje langikhona ngimatasa ngikhotha inkomo zaseGoli’, or something along those lines. And now, with such a beautiful celebrated entrance and exit (apex of pleasure) (creation and recreation) being referred to in crude language I summoned my committee of elders to do a review of the vagina.

My one friend says to me that his friend (who is not my friend), who is obviously crude and wasn’t raised well says that a vagina should no longer be referred to as a private part given that desperate music artists all over the world use it to generate controversy and sales.

Does anyone really think that Chomee’s vagina is a private part? Really? Can anyone swear that Kelly ‘the Virgin’ Khumalo’s inkomo qualifies as a private part when it’s in the public domain like the Government Gazette or a Caxton knock and drop?

Okay, when a picture of the late Lebo Mathosa performing pantyless and her vagina exposed hit the internet she was summoned to Yfm to explain her reaction. She was casual, saying that you saw it does not make it yours and does not mean you will get it and does not make it less private. She was more or less saying, ‘if it makes you happy to have it as your desktop background photo, sing a song about it’

But then again failed musician Queen ‘Iyaya’ Sesoko was caught in a Sunday newspaper exposed and the vagina crudely visible even to under-18 year olds like my nephew who never thought of his dick as a tool of generating music sales. Is a vagina still a private part? Does it deserve a voice louder than the one it uses on Sondeza which is crude and less-self-respecting?

I was in Jozi over the weekend when Chomee and her crew were performing for the children of Klipspruit after a soccer tournament. Actually I was a VIP and sat with her in the truck behind the stage and I noticed that she’s highly overrated. My eyes didn’t even need to rove southward as the glamour of that vagina was lost in my revelation that Chomee is just another paranoid township chick who will do whatever it takes not to beg or borrow or be stuck in a four-room house with siblings.

The crowd went wild when she teased them about taking off her kanga. And when she finally dropped it my Zulu friends who I figured know more about a kanga than I do hollered ‘habe, wayiveza yonke inkomo uChomee’.

And the Monologues crowd wants us to believe that a vagina needs a voice, but what will it say? I can’t wait for the next Vagina Monologues because the Penis Dialogues are already live on TV.