A Lesson for The Presidency

Since our beloved President Jacob Zuma ascended the hot seat at Union Buildings there has really never been a moment that the media allowed him to indicate how well he can conduct himself. He has not helped himself either with his dodgy ‘lifestyle’. Ja, I say 'dodgy' because impregnating your friend’s daughters is not acceptable in any culture.

On a PR side I nearly choked on my red wine when I saw Zizi Kodwa introducing the chief to the media in Durban to lambast the wild child Juju. Now I love the fact that JZ’s communications team is developing a face. It’s no longer goons and spooks hidden in dark suits and tinted glasses crafting verses for a remix of Umshini Wami but real men and women.

The one I have been dying to see was Lakela Kaunda. Wow, what a babe – yummy! She oozes that swag that makes chicks like Kelly Rowland drip sexuality. Okay, enough with salivating.

Now with Zizi, who we have come to know as a firebrand youth who shot from the hip, very much different from our poet (oops floet) who now needs serious lessons on communications I have always known him.

The reason I am writing about JZ’s team is because they seriously need to do work over his image. From a communications point of view our president sucks. I have worked with Vusi Mona in the past and I can vouch that he is a highly effective communicator who can think on his feet and I wonder if the bureaucracy in the Presidency really allows him to navigate the aircraft carrier called The Presidency.

If I can pick faux paus and give them names I will start with the State of the Nation address. JZ mistakenly pronouncing DBSA as ABSA is unforgivable. It either says that his speechwriting team used bad font like Loki Cola which resulted in the A looking like a D or the boss just didn’t read the damn piece before reading it to us.

Also what’s this thing of reading papers in this day of environmentally friendly TelePrompTers? Maybe you will argue that the damn message mirror machine is not environmentally friendly cuz it used electric power which might be produced from either nuclear or coal. But it still saves the environment cuz at the end of the day nothing gets shredded.

Minister Pravin Gordham used something aspiring to be it.

Still on the State of the Nation, someone needs to provide aides of the president with a psychological profile of humans. My informed brain-experts will tell you that human beings work like a clock that was set when they were born. You were always put to bed after the sun went down which means that immediately that happens the human clock it ticking to a halt. Thus, to have such a crucial speech at prime time is tantamount to expecting a child to be active at that time. At that time people are so tired all they want is to cook, eat, watch Generations, and take a bath and sleep. We are a working class nation which means when JZ started yepping some people were not even at home.

Simply put, humans have clocks that retire as the day progresses; which means evenings are the worst time to even have sex – which is something JZ should know cuz there’s no way all that brood was made under a tree.

The last thing a working person needs is late night rhetoric – and the aides missed it, since they could have stuck with the 13h00 speech and allowed the news channels to carry a digest with experts at night. And that Irvin Khoza LBW (read a cricket manual) was a killer. You see, if something is not there don’t just insert it Gedle.

And from a health point; what time did those sods down their gala dinner? Explains why we have so many pot-bellied MPs in parliament. Nutritionists warn that if you want to be fit you must eat your last meal before seven o’clock.

No wonder even JZ looked very tired and ready to sleep. I bet you if you put a sleeping bag next to the podium he would have just collapsed into a heap of 64 years old meat.

Why did his aides allow him to address the nation at night when they knew Mandela had to be there? I mean the old man was supposed to have had his dinner at 18h30, took his pills and retired to bed. If there’s one person who has benefitted from Mandela’s legacy it has to be JZ – and Mr. President please don’t slaughter the goose that lays the golden egg.

In times of plenty Tata is a footnote – when JZ’s leadership is threatened he plays the Madiba card with precision. I can’t wait for the day when Mandela tells him where to get off. And I can’t wait for the day when the state of the nation will be at 06h00 to allow for everybody, especially those on their way to work to listen to it in taxis, buses, watch it on SABC2 and e.tv and on their cellphones.

Alternatively JZ should record his rant to mitigate his pronunciation gaffes and save the nation face. For god’s sake Msholozi on the day failed to pronounce anything in any language except isiZulu.

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