An Exclusive Interview with the Devil

Kasiekulture: Satan, welcome to the Late Night Kasiekulture Conversation. Thanks for accepting the request to talk to us. Tell me about your name, Satan?
Satan: Actually, like rappers I've got an aka. I am also known as the Devil and Lucifer, which are actually two of my other names given to me for better or worse over the years due to two additional traits that I have or am rumoured to have
KK: Let's separate the rumour from the fact; are you a snake?
Satan: Literally, but I prefer the names not insults like snake
KK: Which of the three names do you like the most?
Satan: I'll say Lucifer
KK: Why?
Satan: Cuz it rhymes with Juniper and Jupiter. Funny because all my names rhyme with something, Satan with Saturn etcetra
KK: I’ve been hustling to get you for this interview, your demon PA sending me from pillar to post. Where have you been?
Satan: Here on earth
KK: When did you actually arrive here?
Satan: About two million years ago, I’m not sure. But permanently 1914
KK: And what have you been up to since taking permanent residence?
Satan: I’ve been volunteering my services all along. I guess you know no one pays me to do what I do, so mine is actually a Non-Governmental Organisation and I’m the chief volunteer
KK: What do you call what you are doing?
Satan: Fucking up
KK: Why are you fucking up earth?
Satan: It’s a choice between democracy and dictatorship, freedom and servitude, peace and war, love and hate, good and evil, winning and losing. Also, it’s just pure fun for me. Don’t believe everything you read, I do have a sense of humour
KK: What was your main beef up there?
Satan: I was evicted remember, I’m a refugee, wheever I rest my fork, that's my home these days. But I'm not a vagrant, I have abodes across the earth
KK: But I mean you were evicted for allegedly complaining a lot and allegedly demanding too much power. What’s your beef?
Satan: I didn’t have beef but chicken
KK: Come on man, you should know what I’m talking about
Satan: Unfortunately I don’t
KK: So you are not that smart after all I see. How do you like it here?
Satan: Nice, since I now have my own couple of plots and I think I’m on way to owning quite huge tracts and additional planets. Where there's life, I'm going there
KK: Is there any other planet with life though?
Satan: The last time I was up there it was only earth. But you never know what happened since I was evicted. But I know that I own here
KK: Congratulations, which ones do you own with the seat of your kingdom rooted on?
Satan: Las Vegas, Bangkok, Amsterdam, Hillbrow, all jails, all parliaments, all military bases, a sizeable fraction of churches, come on man all earthly kingdoms, you still remember I promised Jesus that once when we were ontop of a mountain. I own two thirds
KK: With a benefit of hindsight, did you have any intention of giving Him any kingdom?
Satan: Hell muthafucking no! They don't call me Lucifer for nothing dude
KK: Please watch your language, this is a family show
Satan: Excuse my French
KK: It’s not French but Devilish or Satanic
Satan: I like that, it sounds like English and Arabic
KK: You forgot to mention HELL amongst some of the assets you own.
Satan: I don't own that place
KK: Who does then? Is it not on your asset register?
Satan: I've never seen it anywhere, just heard people crediting it to me, where is it situated?
KK: Don't know as well. Thought you could enlighten us. Okay, what has been the highlight of your career?
Satan: Let me see......., ughmmmmmmm, Rwanda genocide. I mean killing 800 000 Afrikans in a few days is no mean feat hey? Tried to achieve that in Ethiopia in 1984 but took too much time
KK: What about the Tsunami?
Satan: It wasn’t me
KK: Wasn’t you, who was it then?
Satan: Come on man you know how the propaganda machinery works
KK: Okay, give me the ten top achievements of your volunteerism?
Satan: Sodom and Gommorah, Hurricane Katrina, apartheid, Jenin, Invasion of Iraq and Afghanistan, Cholera in Zimbabwe, AIDS, XDR TB, King David seduction of Baathseba, too numerous to mention
KK: What was your problem with the rule of law as it was in heaven before you rebelled?
Satan: Go read the Bible man, it’s all there. Start from Genesis to Revelation
KK: Should I believe everything I read?
Satan: Not everything, ignore a few misconceptions but I’m setting the record straight in my autobiography – The Rebel Angel
KK: When is it due?
Satan: Next Fall
KK: We'll try to review it when it pops. Where did it all begin though?
Satan: At the Garden of Eden
KK: Didn’t you have ambitions before that?
Satan: There was no earth before that
KK: Any plans you have for the world in 2009?
Satan: Watch this space, I have big plans in Gaza, Afghanistan, Georgia, Iraq, Iran, Sudan, Democratic Republic of Congo, I mean the whole world
KK: Finally, how do you miss Heaven?
Satan: Terribly, you know I can’t return, thanks to Michael
KK: Thanks for your time
Satan: Anytime
KK: Do you have a business card where I can call you for follow-up questions?

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