COMEDY

Will the Real ANC Spindoctor Please Stand Up!
We seem to be having a serious problem here.


People have been so focused on the going-ons in the African National Congress, worried about their loss of benefits and damning everything coming either from Luthuli House or the houseless Patrick 'Terror' Lekota/Mbhazima Shilowa/George Mluleki's splinter faction. Simply put; people have been having much ado about nothing, losing their sense of humour in the madness.

Now, you know us, we always find something to smile about even in Afghanistan and Baghdad. Today we are going to tell you about four horsemen (I should say three musketeers plus one woman) who I believe do not actually know who is who amongst them. They all work for the ANC and they all are supposed to carry out the same brief but at different intervals.

See, the first one is supposed to make statements in-between National Working Committee meetings, which are regular in these days of disengagement and disappear behind closed doors while the other's responsibility is to come out and deny what the first one has said. And then you have the third one who is supposed to give the third point of view and the last one who is supposed to accompany Gwede Mantashe to press conferences and re-execute tasks already handled by the three guys who are easily accessible on cellphones and emails than physically.

Let's look at these three men and a woman;
1st ANC Spokesperson Ishmael Mnisi. Just recently he told the media when commenting on Lekota's impending suspension and booting out, "They (Lekota and George) will receive the (suspension) letters soon. It can be today, it can be after [the national executive committee meeting]." He was speaking on behalf of the ANC after Treasurer Matthews Phosa has met Lekota and Jessie Duarte.

Then we have 2nd ANC Spokesperson Steyn Speed. He has been prominent since when the Friends of Zuma caravan of love was galavanting across the nation before its Polokwane victory and he has become a voice that occassionally contradicts Mnisi on crucial issues - whether they conspire to mislead the media or not is speculation for another day. Last week during an emergency NEC meeting Mnisi came out to tell the media that there will be a press conference at 10h00 the following day only to have Speed retracting that statement at 9h54, six minutes before the final soundcheck.

Then there is 3rd ANC Spokesperson Brian Sokutu who used to spin for the Minister of Communications Ivy Matsepe Casaburi and left in 2000 complaining of fatigue. He then surfaced as the man responsible for media issues at COSATU before landing in the ANC Communications office which seems to be as chaotic as the SABC. He has been widely reported as saying over the weekend about voter sentiments, “Voting for the ANC in the election will be paying tribute to South Africa’s first democratically elected president. He has expressed full support for the ANC for the upcoming election.”

Now there is the 4th Chief Jessie Duarte, former MEC for Safety and Security in Gauteng and South Africa's diplomatic representative in Mozambique who bounced back into the spotlight after the Polokwane conference. This was at the time that Jacob Zuma was making lots of contradictory statements about the direction a victorious ANC would take on crucial policy issues when addressing the Hellenic community, Jewish deputees and Coloured communities in the Cape. Embarassed by his loose tongue the ANC decided to strengthen Zuma's ANC communications office with staff that would manage his bookings and appearances.

But since then Duarte has been nothing but Mantashe's lapdog, nodding when the SG makes crude comments and cleaning the mess when the media starts interrogating the Communist's crass. She has been central in explaining in layman's language what is the '96 Class Project and other heavy Communist phrases and references as commonly loved by the SG.

Coming from a province with more spindoctors than journalist we know dealing with one Ntime Skhosana, one Mpho Gabashane, one Simphiwe Kunene, one Jasper Zwane, one Joseph Mabuza, one David Nkambule, one Sammy Mphatlanyane and all one by one spindoctors at Riverside and local municipalities is stress enough to last one a lifetime.

And the question we are asking today on Kasiekulture, given the difficulty we know comes with blurred communications lines (as guys hang onto three cellphones as if they are running a switchboard) is, WILL THE REAL ANC 'S JOSEPH GOEBBELS PLEASE STAND UP! And surprise surprise, we see four people taking to their feet, with four cellphone numbers (collectively twelve cellphone handsets) and four email addresses including that fifth one which goes to no one in particular. Mantashe should address this mess.