HUMOUR

Why I Love South Afrika

I have said in the past that I have the smartest folks for friends and recently they haven't been seizing to crack me up.

Two weeks ago before my long sojourn to the City of Sin we visited one of those party type friends who lives in the outskirts of Steiltes (Nelspruit). It was a Sunday morning and he was still sloshed. He was in his Bart Simpson boxers and complaining about how a party he went to ended abruptly at 4h00am when he was about to deploy his Analfrelin and Spanish Fly. He said he was so bored he drove home and arrived at around 06h00am since the thrill was closer to Jozi.

Story Number One

Then the cracker came when he and Friend Number Two started reminiscing. 'Where's James?' friend number One asked.
'Oh, that one, the last time I saw him he was sick and running around confused'
'So, he's got the virus for real'
'Seems like it. You know the funny thing about him is that if he arrives at your place the first thing he looks for in the house is pills, he doesn't give a damn what are they for', before the friend could finish the other one took over the story.
'He's so skinny even when he looks around the house for pills his eyes are like a satellite roaming for evidence of extra-terrestrial life out there in the galaxy.'
'You know, if he sees any pills he asks for a glass of water and takes a palm-full dosage of them without asking what are they prescribed for'
'Pity man, that dude just wants to get well and thinks that a cocktail of sleeping, aspirin, multivitamins and all conceivable drugs can spring a miracle that ARVs fail to spark'
'You know the other time he came into my house and opened a bottle of some pills without asking if they were silver bullets or Viagra and he drank about five'
'Me I told him that one day he'll end up gulping Dog Martins and grow hair like dogs'. Ha-ha-ha-ha, they laughed. Well it was indeed about a man's life but who gives a fart, we die at the same rate that we are being littered.

Story Number Two

Now, you are all too familiar with the trials and tribulations of our next state president Mr Jacob Gedleyihlekisa Zuma. This past week he was in court again to get charges against him rendered null and void. Outside court his luitenants, Secretary-General Gwede Mantashe, Treasurer Matthew Phosa, ANC Chairperson Baleka Mbete and ANC Youth League President Julius Malema were busy justifying to the media why Oom JZ should not be tried. Mbete made some sense because she spoke about 'justice delayed being justice denied' and the constitutional obligation on the part of the courts to afford anyone a speedy trial. Interesting that the African National Congress never takes it up with the state when ordinary folks have to wait years behind bars before they get their day in court.

The one who cracked me and my friends was Cousin Julius. Immediately he was on television on Tuesday night I received 89 smss and 17 calls from people wanting to know if I was watching the comedy. I have love for the brother but he always looks suspicious. What cracked us was when etv's Deborah Patta asked him what he would do if JZ was found guilty. 'I can't imagine him being found guilty' he responded. But the question wasn't about what he imagines but what he would do if things don't turn out his way. 'I can't imagine him being found guilty', come on comrade imagination is free and we all do it at some point in our life, that's no trait of a revolutionary.

Later on one of my friends called me to tell me that Julius' lack of litigation skills was a topic on 702 with some dude calling to ask if he represented the youth of South Africa. 'If he speaks for the youth of South Africa and he's the best candidate they could get to represent their aspirations?', he asked. He was right, given the lack of tact that Julius displays all the time, it's a tragedy what they youth are in for.

Story Number Three

Back on JZ, one friend tried to dissect the next president's strategy of challenging everything the National Prosecuting Authority throws at him. He asked, 'Kasie, tell me, if someone accused you of stealing their television and fridge, and you know you didn't steal them, that the person has got nothing to show in court to support their allegation, wouldn't you just say to the courts, give me my day in court and bring all you have because there's nothing that points to me?'
'Of course I would demand my day'
'Then if JZ hasn't done anything wrong and he's got nothing to hide, why is he trying every trick in the book not to have his day?'
'I don't know man, I guess I would want to settle it once and for all'
'Tell me, if the skank down the street accused you of rape and you know you never touched her, would you protest a prosecutor saying they have semen samples and hair samples to prove that you slept with her'
'No, I would even invite them to bring that evidence in court so it can be tested'
'Then why doesn't JZ want documents from Mauritius and those confiscicated from his home to make it to court?'
'Your guess is as good as mine'

Story Number Four

Yesterday (Wednesday) we woke up to the news that the government in Mauritania has been toppled in a coup. This at the time when there is a rumour that there's light at the end of the tunnel in Zimbabwe. Over a couple of bench presses I mentioned it to one of my friends. The first question he asked me was 'what does Mauritania have?'. I mentioned that it has got oil.
'I know, so these Mark Thatchers are not going to leave Afrika alone as long as there are minerals. I wouldn't be surprised if they were funded by by someone in Europe to topple the democratic government'. He proclaimed. I saw sense in what he was saying, before he continued. 'Why would someone want to topple the government in Lesotho?', I waited for him to finish, 'Otherwise they would topple that of Swaziland to get access to the beautiful young girls who pitch for reed dance every year. Sure, it's not far-fetched that someone will topple King Mswati just for the women'

Funny hey, I've got the smartest folks for friends and one day I hope to share them with you.