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Whatever Happens in Jozi...

Starring; Me, Dido, The Twins & the Enterpreneur
Guest Appearances; Miss Stone, Two Cousins, Russel & Mapulaneng Collective
Directed by: Kasiekulture

Joburg can be a nice city if you made it a point to call the Travel Advisory before visiting it. Here they will tell you about the weather forecast, rand/dollar exchange rate, xenophobia hotspots and brothels. Best, they will even sms you the hottest gay nightspots. Me and Dido did it and were told that we should not come on own cars but take a bus. We took a bus, made it outside of Mpumalanga, got to George's Restaurant that people like to call Wonderfontein, bought our hot dogs, iced tea with Ginseng (Oriental chigwana), a copy of True Love magazine and Saturday Star.

We got to Joburg Park Station after 15h00 and gave a holler to the Enterpreneur to come collect us for a drive to Leondale in the East Rand. Now the E is a very busy man who however will not be busy for us since he's my second cousin and Dido's closest buddy. The E tells us we must move to the second floor at Buffallo Bills and wait there while we quench our thirst. Buffallo Bills is packed as Bafana Bafana is playing Guinea. We sit down and a chubby waitress approaches and we place our order. I want my green bottled cider and Dido is for Jameson double tot. We gulp at least seven same poisons both ways before the E pitches with two Cousins, Russel and one-half of the Twins. We are thinking this is the point where the moneyman should settle our phat bill. He's excited and says 'we'll sit down and order one before we leave'. Nice, I go for my eighth 350ml and we start chatting. The other cousin is all for juice and sits suspicioiusly as if he works for National Intelligence Agency. We talk shit and two hours later we have had our many drinks, ate lots of biltong and made half a dozen trips to the loo. Bufallo Bills is getting empty as well. We call the bills and when the waitress wants to know who foots the E is quick saying, 'I am Tito Mboweni'. Fine, when he sees it he almost chokes. But he foots while we are sitting on our bulding wallets.

We leave the station, Dido, Russel and me travel in the latest Beemer 1Series of the E while the cousins choose the A3 of the one-half of the twins. We leave park station and are headed for Hillbrow where the other half rents a bachelor flat he never lives in but is exclusively reserved for Vall Triangle skanks. As we leave the station we see a police bakkie trailing us. When we get to Hillbrow it stops opposite us on the traffic light. We drive past Fontana Inn and just after taking the right turn the blue lights are on and heavily armed cops demand that we walk out of the car. The E, the driver walks out first and one cop in civilian clothes has his R5 pointed at us while the other one points his 9mm Pietro Beretta. The third one is a Metro cop and he approaches us as the R5 one demands that we put our hands on the car. It's a cold Joburg night and the streets are lit and suddenly everyone is looking as the cops conduct body searches. Fortunately for me I don't have rolled joints on me. They search us thoroughly, me twice since I have put on multi-pocket cargo pants, a turtle neck and a leather jacket. While this is happening some guy wants to walk past and the R5 cop tells him to change his route and as he tries to walk past the cop misses him with a kick that would have made Jet Li proud. The search is over and we tell them we appreciate the hard work they are doing keeping Hillbrow crime-free.

We then drive 100 metres away next to Johannesburger Hotel. Immediately after parking Miss Stone appears from the entrance. Me and Dido are surprised because this is a skank we last saw in Shatale two weeks ago and who some guy told us that he chocolate-boxed her. Suddenly she's excited and asks us when did we arrive and we say a week earlier and that we actually come from Botswana today. She's happy and the E now wants to screw her. He sets the ball in motion and they agree that he will sleep in her flat tonight which is at Century Plaza where the other half's flat is at . Russel takes our bags to the other half's flat. Then we leave for Leondale in the East Rand. The other half and the cousins are remaining in town to scout for hos.

In the East Rand before we could go to Number 5, the E drives to his other chick's home to fetch her for a night out. The chick comes out with her half-brother who loves riding in a car he can sell his granny for a ride in a taxi. We pick the two of them, the E introduces us and calls her 'Njabulo', to me she's another skank out for a phat 17-incher. Apparently it's a general term he uses for all his chicks. We drive to his home at Number 5 and find the other half of the twins that was not in town. He's almost sleeping and we chat briefly. The E, comes out and gives us the keys to his Ford Ranger double cab and says it's the car me and Dido will use for the night. Fine, me and Dido sit in there while it's idling and we are heating it since it's very cold. Soon we drive behind the E on our way to Jo'burg. As we approach the lights we call him to find out where are we going and he says Newtown. Time is 10h28 and we tell him we haven't eaten anything since getting to town. He proposes we go to Braamfontein.

We follow him and when we get to Braamfontein we find the other half and the cousins already there. I make a call to a sista I know who lives in Hillbrow to say what's up? She's fine, she asks me where I'm staying and I tell her in Hillbrow and she says she's in Tshwane but will call tomorrow when she comes back to the city of sin. Okay, the place we decide to eat at is called Pantsula's Bite and it's actually almost a club with a DJ to boot. We chill, place our order of chicken and rice and spinach and butternut. While having drinks the food comes and only me and Dido eats our rations while the rest are not hungry. After that the music is good, the plasma is beaming soccer highlights from yesteryear and the booze is flowing and we decide 'fuck it' we are staying here. The place is almost packed with guys and their chicks. We booze and chat amid the noise until 02h46 when we finally decide to leave. The E has his chick from Leondale, and so is the other half who we found hooked when we arrived at the joint. Russel and the cousins are gonna be bachelors tonight.

We leave with Russel now for our flat in Hillbrow, get there, bribe the security guard and access underground parking. We are sloshed and tired and immediately brush our teeth and sleep.

Morning comes and we plan to go to a networking session in Leondale which is the main reason we are in Jozi. We splash separately, I make myself a cup of coffee and sandwitches and stand by the window and shoot pictures of the rot. Russel comes in to rush us saying the E is calling him wanting to know at what time will we get to Leondale. Okay, soon after Russel left Miss Stone pitches in. We chill with her while I make myself my second cup of coffee. Me and Dido flatter her a little and she loves it. Then we walk out with Russel for the underground parking. We drive out and have to wait for a bunch of natives who are going to Leondale with us. It's now three chicks and five guys who look like members of a punk group.

As Dido drives through Ellis Park there's a roadblock by Joburg Metro Police. They wave us aside and tell Dido that the Ranger has unpaid fines. They ask for his driver's license which he doesn't have with him. They tell him the guys were sitting on the rim of the base and call him for citation.

Dido suddenly comes back and tells us that he bribed the cop. We drive out and make for Leondale. Just as we drive into the East Rand we are pulled over by Ekurhuleni Metro Police. They want Dido's license and apparently he was speeding.

They call him for citation and he suddenly comes back and tells us that he bribed the cop. We then suddenly get to Leondale where a huge marquee with a DJ is in place. We park outside, the punk band walks out, I walk into the house since these boys are my cousins and ask for a cup of coffee from their sister. I get one fixed, organise my Sunday dose of City Press and relax.

Suddenly the natives start arriving and two hours later everybody is in a serious discussion about issues affecting all of us. Business ideas are being thrown around and I can see myself making that elusive million. After the formalities and the lunch it's time for music. There are actually more people who came for the music than the serious business. Booze is everywhere, food is galore, the deejay is rocking and the girls look like mermaids.

At around 19h00 while sipping poison some drunk guy jumps into the Ranger and reverses at something that looks like 40 kilometres per hour and bumps another man. The man falls to the tar- road and later says he's not hurt. There's some citation and then it's back to fun and booze. I get worried because I'm drinking a lot but do not get drunk. I meet old friends from home, some few models, BEE types, drunkards, enterpreneurs, hustlers and old friends and flames.

Later we go into the main house to sleep and are awoken at around 02h00 by the sound of the security alarm.

The following morning the E drives us to town and we catch a bus home. We get home at 15h12. 'Honey I'm home'

DISCLAIMER; This story was heavily edited since it would offend sensitive readers. For a full version keep posted to kasiekulture in the future.