SCIENCE

A Day with Dr Kasiekulture

I have been in a doctor-mood recently and have entertained thoughts of opening my very own practise at The Promenade (I know there's one in every well-planned city) and get a Chinese thug from Chinatown to fake me a license. Like I was robust in the last post my practise will deal only in alternative healing. Did you know that for every functionality of every organ of your body there actually is an energy centre? It's more like a fuse in the fuse box for every electrical functioning of a car. That when you have a headache there's a spot that when it's massaged the headache will dissipitate?

I know because I have been told that for a man to ejaculate in a few seconds all a woman needs to do is to slot her tallest finger into his anus and circulate it nicely until she feels a little rough patch called a g-spot. Sexologists claim that if she massages this spot nicely a man will dish his load in a jiffy. If you thought the tip of your penis was the most sensitive then you are a novice. Now you know why there are so many homosexuals in metropolitan areas. Well, I don't know much about that but I know for sure that there's an errogenous spot called a clitoris which swells when rubbed nicely or licked and which stimulates a woman to an explosive orgasm if she's recognise the sudden flush as an orgasm. And you should also understand why a woman stands a better chance of satisfying another woman better than a man. Well, I'm not trying to be clever but to make a point that there's always a spot connected to any part of our body that has the potential to have a problem and a solution.

The body is so well-made that it can heal itself if we know where the drivers are. Some guys I know don't even know where the clitoris is and that nipples are sensitive. Well, me, as you should have figured by now am actually quite smart and know of a few things which I will focus on at my Promenade practise. My area of focus will be alternative healing, acupuncture, reflexology etc.

There is a church whereby they have a tendency to pierce anyone complaining of headaches in the nostrils with a crotchet until blood oozes out. They claim that it's dirty blood and they are reducing it. Okay these stupid folks get healed because faith is stronger than heroin. My Biology teacher told me that an adult human being has five litres of blood in their system and 206 bones. That all the blood should have traveled through the heart in a minute to be cleaned and re-oxyginated, which means that the 120 average heartbeats you need to be cerfitied healthy actually pump several litres of blood through your heart and releases the carbon-dioxide extorted by your heart from your blood flow through your nostrils. That's why when your heart beats faster your breath faster as well. Which means that if you get infected with HIV now, directly in your bloodstream you stand no chance of claiming that ARVs saved you - I guess so.

However, a friend once came to me all rusty and angry the other day and sat down without uttering a single word. I looked at him and asked him what's up and he said 'nothing' and kept quiet. I reprimanded him and said, 'look joe, you don't leave your own place, come to my place only to bore me with your cold presence'. He said he was having a bad day and I thought here goes Dr Kasiekulture.

After brushing his forehead with an ostrich feather during which he was giggling like a whore having an orgasm I said to him, 'When you are having a bad day you need to drink lots of water, it might be that you are dehydrated and there's not enough water to nourish your mood'. After doing it he was all jovial telling me about Loyiso Gola for President, a show he watched over the weekend.