Her Majesty’s Own Terrorist – 'Bond, James Bond'

I have been doing a lot of thinking lately about what constitutes a terrorist. After twenty months of researching I have come to a conclusion that a terrorist is anyone who uses terror to get the compliance of others. In this context you get sods like UNITA, RENAMO, SADF, Mossad, CIA, KGB, Cheka, Stasi etc. any organisation or individual who uses terror to get their ends is a terrorist.

Now, when I was growing up we were orientated to celebrate outlaws. On the film First Blood I, II, III and all the Rambo films we were made to believe that mercenaries and terrorist were the in-thing. Do you remember how Chuck Norris would cause havoc, damaging property worth billions and later being honoured by his government?

You name them, Full Metal Jacket, Mission to Vietnam etc. Okay, those were war films which celebrated the role played by US mercenaries who wreaked havoc in foreign countries, distabilising them. It was art imitating life since at that time the same mercenaries were blowing railway lines in Angola, Mozambique, Cambodia, Cuba and Zaire.

Now my favourite has to be the celebrated terrorists. Some years ago an Australian television company wanted to expose the hypocrisy of world security establishments when it comes to stereotyping ‘terrorists’.

They say ‘terrorist’ you see a turbaned-long-bearded man wearing a sarong, keffiah and marching on sandals. You see someone with a bomb belt filled with spikes, TNT and a detonator. You seeing someone belonging to an Al Aqsa Martyrs Brigade.

Until the Israelis showed you terrorist who don’t even pack suicide belts but cradle tennis rackets. A bunch of terrorists who wear suits and use poison instead of explosives.

Those are the James Bond styled terrorist. I am going to say it, everyone has their own terrorist. Queen Elizabeth has that suave killer in Her Majesty’s Secret Service. Mr Bond kills people, he shoots them between the eyes. He’s a philanderer, he sleeps with anything on legs and does not hesitate strangling it immediately after he orgasms.

He runs across cities in his Aston Martin, planting bombs and killing innocents. He robs countries of leaders, families of fathers and poor countries of their only infrastructure.

He uses terror on the left while his country’s diplomat exert pressure on the right. He threatens to poison the tea fields of Sri Lanka and hamper their export while his government is negotiating a cheaper deal for their tea importing companies. In my book that’s bloody terrorism.

But why is he not classified as such? Because unlike the vuvuzela, he originates in some god-forsaken island that was lucky to arrive at every country they colonized while the natives were sleeping. I can’t help but think of those funny accents – the James Bond accent. Bloody terrorist!

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