I am told that I live in a free country and I am born with a carte blanche to dream. Well, my new below the belt punch or potshot is directed at Darrel Roodt. Not for choosing sultry Jennifer Hudson to play Winnie Mandela because you don’t know what happens behind the curtains of casting suites. She's good as well; she had a small role in Sex And the City as Carrie's PA and was she wow! Instead of griping I decided to do like the Democratic Alliance (in alliance with who exactly?) and put together my shadow cast.
In this shadow cast I am scheming to find small roles for my friends who are in different spectrums of the film value chain because at the end of my rant we must all meet at Nandos and eat. I am scheming to find a directing role for Shaft (needs no introduction), a DOP role for Ntobeko and a production role for Sizwe. But truly my intention is so expose the sham excuse that popular faces of Hollywood stars sell movies while locals don’t. If that was the case they wouldn't have the Razzie Awards there. Henry Cele single handedly sold Shaka Zulu without a Hollywood face. There was a time that Australian actors were perceived to be non-entities until a few cracked the glass ceiling that is Hollywood and won Oscars. They, like our very own Charlize Theron went there to play with the big boys and they played hard. Now, who says the once who are stuck in Egoliwood can’t go there and kick serious butt? How are they going to kick butt when Darrel and Anant don’t want to give them a chance?
Okay, here is my shadow cast which otherwise would do well on my very own shadow script, which of course I am putting together called Exiled - The Winnie Mandela Story.
The role of sultry Winnie Mandela will be played by Moshidi Motshegwa. She is a fine lass with the complexion of the Winnie we saw milking a cow on one of Bra Alf Khumalo's pictures. Just look at the nose and the forehead, vintage Winnie, the one Mandela kept her framed picture in his jail cell.
Controversial lawyer-cum-TV Executive Dali Mpofu will be played by feminine Sizwe Dlomo. The brother looks equally suave and has the kind of trans-sexual humidity that will go well with green ties. And the body structure and designer suits fit them just fine. And I love the complexion -which means minimum make-up except for a pair of spectacles.
Bouga Luv will play Nelson Mandela. He does look like the younger version of the lawyer Madiba and with his level of fitness, the Mandela who posed for a boxing shot will be replicated. I know you are thinking 'nah, Bouga of all people', ja, for real, Bouga will be fine-tuned. Anyway he will only play the younger Mandela and then we will call John Kani to play the older version.
Trevor Manuel will be played by Trevor Noah, not because they are both coloured but simply because if he grew beard, he would look like a younger UDF Trevor. And I understand from my UDF friends that Trevor (whoever) has a sense of humour.
Jay Naidoo will be played by Zola, yeah Bonginkosi Dlamini, we will request Leon Schuster to apply that Indian make-up he loves in his spoofs. We choose Zola because he looks like a crook – the same way Jay looked then and now. Alternatively, given that Zola has a habit of fucking up we might just have Danny K as an understudy.
Zindzi Mandela will be played by Kamogelo Mampe. Don't be puzzled, Zindzi wasn't always chubby. Actually she looked as sultry as the mother. I can imagine her in those olive Cuban fatigues reading a letter from her father in prison.
Xoliswa Falati will be Bonnie Henna. Now you are asking 'who the fuck is that?'. Ja you must be such a kid you need nappies and a lullaby to sleep. Google her. I can imagine her in those Eastern bloc fatigues and demeanour that said, ‘crazy motherfucker’
Stompie Seipei’s role will be given to ?? (do we by any chance have a male version of then 16 years old Pabi Moloi?? - Ja, Jub-Jub when he was advertising Inkomazi) for his curious face. Plus he looks pretty fly, just like the little Stompie who was martyred by a soccer team led by a man who will be played by Vusi Kunene.
For the members of the Mandela Football Club, Winnie’s alleged hit squad we will seek the cast of Yizo-Yizo II, who I reckon Bomb Shelter [o grand joe!] will only be excited to lend.
Abu Barker Asvat will be Danny K, thas if if Zola behaves until the director says 'it's a wrap!'.
And the rest of the bit parts and extras will be sourced from AFDA and University of Johannesburg. That Brandfort house Winnie was exiled will be recreated in Mpumalanga’s township of Kanyamazane. Because I come from Mpumalanga of course and if we had such messed up houses in my township we would have shot there.
And you thought it can be difficult? No ways. Here are the spin-offs; we’ll get to see how Dlomo shags as script treatment don’t tell people how to shag but just that they make love. Nobody says 'pump fifteen times and yawn'. This will be the highlight of the film.
Truly, Darrel doesn’t qualify to tie the shoelaces of this shadow cast. Actually I doubt Jen could click in isiXhosa even if her life depended on it. I mean I have Xhosas for friends but there are times when my click is still dodgy.
And I would shudder to see a situation whereby that film ends up like Mr Drum whereby Taye Diggs as Henry Nxumalo doesn’t utter a single tsotsitaal word like ‘heita’ and Cry Freedom whereby Denzel Washington does not utter a word as popular as ‘mfondini’ which I think Biko would have uttered once even though he was an intellectual.
I can’t wait for the day that a movie is made about Thabo Mbeki, whereby the film ends with him walking out of the main hall at Turfloop after being clobbered by Zuma. I can forsee Kenneth Nkosi playing Zuma, Desmond Dube playing Gwede, Sibongile Khumalo playing Thandi Modise and Derek Luke playing a younger Thabo Mbeki.
Coming soon to your screens. Watch this space