ART

inked indelible 'til the swine comes home to roost

Stories that interest me the most are those of trivial folks who want to pass off as normal beings. Some of them are my friends and I swear to you I keep real good company. Anybody who carries the 'friend of kasiekulture!' tag knows their story. I can without fear of contradiction announce that my friends are amongst the most intelligent people in South Afrika. So, when I say they are trivial I don't mean stupid but eccentric. How can the cream of the Afrikan intelligentsia be any dumb?

Well, for those who don't know me by now let me let you in for information that I am a tattoo fanatic and I carry six, if not seven or eight of them on different parts of my anatomy. I've been carrying them around for ages (since the '90s)and every year they multiply. Why do they multiply, I don't know and I've been searching for an answer between 50Cent (Curtis Jackson)'s lyrics since he came out trying to get rich or die trying. I've been using his albums like a search engine. With so many tats Fiddy makes my body look like that of a newborn.

And then there was 2Pac (Tupac Amaru Shakur) who an insensitive American journalist lamented about how an unsympathetic and little amused pathologist had to cut through his customary 'THUG LIFE' tat for an 'autopsy' after he was gunned down in Las Vegas by the same people who later gunned down Biggie in Los Angeles. When stupid-amused entertainment journalists used to ask Makaveli about the significance of his tats 'Pac would quip that they should read for themselves because if they can see that he's tattered up they can read. Oh, i forget, he was a walking billboard of ghetto survival.

Then there's that eccentric rocker named Tommy Lee Jones whose tats can pass off as deformation of the skin texture in the court of human morality. Lee Jones, a talented guitarist is known more for his tats than artistry. Oops, one of my intelligent trivial friends just called me now-now and reminded me that he's also famous for his bonking video with on-ff-on-again wife Pamela Lee Anderson.

On the homefront there's always 5FM's DJ Fresh with his Black Panther and tens others. I hear someone saying he also has got a Che Guevara which Mike Tyson also has on his chest to go with the Maori one on his face. Mark Fish also spots a Che, including a lot of silicone wannabees like E'smile who's rumoured to have had a tat declaring 'Ghetto Ruff', his former record label. It is rumoured that when he fell out of favour with Lance Sterh he had more text added, 'the Ghetto is Ruff'. Quite intelligent heh?

Sure, but this is not the story I intended to post. The real post is about the funniest questions folks always ask everytime I go topless. Given that now I have one tat on my forearm that features my little angel it becomes too apparent that I sat through the 'torturous' mile and came out with a portrait so indelible I'll need laser surgery to divorce.

Some of the funny questions which will be answered by experts my friends usually ask are the following;
Q: Is it painful?
Whore: They pierce your skin and slice both the epi and inner-dermis. There's no way that can happen without a degree of pain, though it's only temporary. But that's not worse than when your hymen tore or when you lost your foreskin under local anaesthetic. If you sat or slept through that with only a flinch, then you can sit through 12 hours of tattooing.

Q: Is it 'really' permanent?
Cindy Crawford: As permanent as your birthmark or the mole on your friend's partner's ass.

Q: Is it true that it's addictive?
Olympic Committee: Think caffeine, nicotine, cocaine and steroids. (Narcotics Anonymous can even provide you with accurate stats)

Q: What if my perception of reality changes and the tat loses relevance?
Lil Bow Wow: It's been changing since you were twelve stupid, but that didn't stop you from making decisions then like your decision to start masturbating. So, be decisive now for now's sake.

Q: What if I go to prison and my tats offend other inmates?
Prisoner number 46664: Reason enough to think before they put that needle on your skin. Obviously any intelligent sod won't put prison gang numbers when they haven't earned that number from a prison gang. (use your commonsense)

Q: Won't the police arrest me?
Commissioner of Police: Now you are really sounding stupid. This artform is covered under the Bill of Rights' Freedom of Expression plus it's your damn body you can do as you please. On second thought my police are busy collecting bribes to be concerned with your self-mutilation. (If you scared befriend the commissioner of police, he's got a reputation for protecting his friends)

Q: What about the Bible?
Pope: Leviticus 19:28 (or argue that the Mosaic Law is archaic and the artform is as old as mountains)

Whatever you decide to do be informed about this artform. Insist on a Department of Health certificate to verify that the sterilization process and the operating conditions are above board. I am God's child and I am soon going for my additional tats, a script on my right forearm and a spider's web on my shoulder. Quote me Leviticus 19:28 like my parodised Pope and I can assure you that our Creator has forgiven me already. Now, let the games begin.

*Respondents to questions were parodised, but the questions and answers are as real as a tat on your torso.