SATIRE

THE NEW FACE OF FEMINISM

Some people really know how to crack me up. I'm not one of those folks with ready-made smiles and I don't accept bribes from David Kau, but recently in Tshwane, after my Jozi escapade which I trust you liked I was chilling at Nandos with my Bantus trying to combat famine. This was the Friday of Casual Day and people in Tshwane really know how to be casual with animal kingdom couture. This other light complexioned woman was adorning her caramel torso with colourful feathers to the extent that I started counting how many peacocks and ostriches had to die for her to attract such serious attention at The Tramshed. Her only fortune was that I had forgotten the SPCA numbers otherwise I would have become a whistleblower.

But then the reason I cracked that day was that Oscarine (yeah you know her, my bantu cousin-couz from a distant uncle) started raving about an organisation that begs for registration at Social Development. I truly think it was her and not the other two bantus. She said that given the number of women who hire hitmen to murder their husbands for insurance money or any other motive it becomes imperative that there should be a Husband Killer Association to work along the lines of South African Football Association, and Rifle Owners Association.

This will be a fully-fledged honourable organisation with own offices, an executive committee, registration and fundraising numbers - a section 21 company with a constituency and a democratic constitution.

Membership shall only be open to married woman or permanent spouses who are either planning or have killed their husbands already. It will not matter whether the fed-up greedy bitch will use poison or deliberate HIV infecting or murder, the end justifies the means. (There is a sidebar to this one. They say a woman can be able to cook succulent meals for her husband, lace them with poison and serve him when he comes home from work. She will sit infront of him, palms clapsed on her chin and she will ask him 'how was your day' while he devours with gluttony and even comments about the mean being manifique. She will even take to her feet and reach for the ironing board and start ironing the shirt he's supposed to wear tomorrow to work while asking him about the tie he would love to match it with. She will even run a tub for him and tell him to take a shower adn get and early sleep so that he will not be late for work the following morning while knowing too damn well that the poor sod is not waking up the following day. That's a woman for you)

Okay, the main focus of HUKA will be to fundraise for bail in the event of alleged Najwa Petersen being later granted a R500 000 bail. They will send proposals even to the National Lottery Distribution Fund. This will be a pro-women organisation at the forefront of the struggle that will make sure every woman who kills their husbands secures bail and legal representation.

Not only that; it will also deploy funds to hire lawyers for the women and be advocates during the trials by renting a crowd (check Yellow Pages ) and printing pink shirts for the supporters outside of court. I am told that they will distribute a banned DVD titled '6000 000 Ways to Die - Choose One'.

The main catch of this organisation would be that once the case is won, the member will donate 10% of the millions that she has killed her husband for to the organisation so that it can continue the good work of advocacy and support for the women who might not win their cases prompting insurance companies not to pay out. It will also help in their expensive appeals all the way to the Constitutional Court.

The organisation, as mentioned earlier will be known as Husband Killers Association (HUKA; pronounced 'hooker')and its first two executive members will undoubtely be !"££$$%^&* and )(*&^%$. It will hold its annual General Meeting and a new executive chosen as per constitutional provision.

If we can have Who Killed Who First, which is an advocacy organisation for women who are serving time for killing their spouses, why wouldn't an explicit organisation survive in this demoncrazy? Now you know what they mean when they say 'lelizwe la makhosikazi'.