HUMOUR

WALKER, TEXAS RANGER - A PARODY
A few days ago I found myself enjoying English breakfast (bacon, eggs, toasted sandwich and tea) with the only white friend I have managed to keep since my college days, Chris. Now Chris works for the National Intelligence Agency (NIA) as an analyst, whatever that means in the cloak and dagger world of spies. I guess he's not sure what it means as well apart from that he has to look at everything with suspision. He often helps me when I want to monitor the movement and communication of someone I might be loving at any given time though. I can tell a lover where she is, who she's with, who is she bonking and how long did they bonk and can even interrupt their session by a sending the hotel staff to change towels. We sometimes use the ever present eye in the sky and an inter-continental eavesdropping system called a MUNOLA.

Most of the time when we are together we also talk about issues of security. Not your tax-laden national security (Al Qaeda, Boeremag, De la Rey) but petty stuff, like how to spot fake Mozambican bank note (Metical) on the Nelspruit black market stock exchange. How to spot a fake potential girlfriend from a real prospective one, especially when you meet for the first time inside Pick n Pay between 16h00 and 18h03.

Don't ask me, I don't know, I just know that this supermarket chain seems to be a happy hunting ground for womanisers, especially the frozen items section. I've tried to find out why but only ended up with a lame reason of, maybe these guys go there to look for sisters who pick on low-fat products, like lean beef, fat-free yoghurt, skimmed milk, low-fat butter, asparagus etc. You approach her and greet, then suddenly accuse her of not inviting you when she goes jogging, when she protests and says that not only doesn't she jog but also couldn't invite a man she don't know (that's if she jogs) you respond that there's no way she'd be that fit without exercise unless it's good genes, and how does she expect to know you without you having introduced yourself, when she laughs you pause and ask her if 'there's something wrong' on your face that you should pick when she blushingly says 'no' you say to her that she should smile often because it makes her radiant, when she blushes further you introduce yourself and hold on to her hand until she finishes her own introduction, then you gently let go of her hand and reach out for your businesscard and give it to her, she should reciprocate, if she doesn't have one and lies that the messenger never picked them at the printers you don't take her number you just tell her you'll be waiting for her call. 7/10 she will call.

Suppose she gives you her card you reach out for your fone and copy her number to your cellphone (this should ONLY be done if you use either a Black or Blueberry), immediately (on the spot) send her an sms saying 'cn u plz smile 4 me'. 8/10 she's your woman. That's my take, nothing serious. Don't be intimidated by the 'C' infront of her credentials, I mean CEO, COO, CFO, CPO, CD, or EC, ED, etc. Only issues of security I can tell about are related to passwords on cellphones, bank cards, email addresses, telephone, computer, locking doors, and bribing security guards to gain access to the room that girl disappeared in with that pot-bellied limp dick who think Fellatio is the name of a new FIAT and Cunnilingus is a TOYOTA. Otherwise they call it 'Risk Management', that's my sense of security.

Okay, me and my NIA analyst friend met at Perry's Bridge (Hazyview) and spoke about Walker Texas Ranger, the etv series (soapy) that is screened immediately after the eight o'clock movie and before the English Premier League game. Chris told me that before we even entertain Chuck Norris' antics we should reach consensus that Walker is not a policeman but a vigilante with a badge. First, Walker handles intricate homicide and assault GBH (with intention to cause GrievousBodilyHarm) investigations but you'll never see him taking notes. He doesn't collect forensic evidence such as fingerprints and blood samples either but relies on his El Paso (a town in Texas) hunch. Walker always memorises information from witnesses on his 999GB memory bank. You'll never see him writing something down which explains the flawed Texas judicial system that saw former governor George Walker (wow, they share a name) Bush authorising the slaughter of so many people during his reign, mostly darkies 'cuz niggas don't know how to act'.

Next, Walker deliberately assaults his suspects. He'll always find an excuse to lay down his Smith & Wesson and kick the dove out of his suspects. Walker is like CPF (Community Policing Forum) members with blank police warrants and R5 rifles, they'll just fill your name because you sip Johnny Walker Blue while they are still drowning on cheap Romanoff.

But Texas Ranger is an interesting series in the tradition of 21 Jump Street and In the Heat of the Night and I should confess I like it deeply. My Sundays nights are spent on coffee and more coffee. I bet if this drama was screened in the dark days of apartheid it would have been simulcast in isiZulu on Radio 2000 and called 'Mkhize, Iphoyisa lase Mgungundlovu'. Imagine Norris speaking pure eMnambithi isiZulu, not the ya Mampela cheap taal that used to make culture custodian Zulu King Goodwill Zwelithini yellow with fever. Let's go wild and imagine Norris (Mkhize) investigating Zuma (uMsholozi) in yet another of the hundreds of cases that keep piling up on his way to Union Buildings, suppose he's got the right map.

"Awungitshele we m'num'zana, uya 'yazi yini lentokazi?"
"Yebo"
"Pho, uyi yazela ghuphi?"
"Sa hlangana okokuqala eZimbabwe"
"Ungubani igama lakhe?"
"Ngatshelwa ukuthi ungu K***(Bleep)"
"Watshelwa ubani lelo 'gama?"
"uYise wakhe"
"Oh, wa wu mazi uYise wakhe kakade?"
"Yebo, sa si nga madhelakufa so babili"
"'Se uboshiwe weMsholozi. Uza kuzi khulumela ngokwakho ekantolo kaManji. Ingabe unaye ummeli?"
"Yebo, uKemp J Kemp"
"Hayi wa ngithusa ke we Zuma"
"Hawu, uthuswa yinto ethusayo ngempela fezela Khabazela".

And then Norris (Mkhize) puts down his S&W and challenges him to a few chops with Zuma bringing a knobkierrie. Thinking that it's all in the name of party unity until he appears in court looking like Zimbabwean Movement for Democratic Change's Morgan Tsvangirai.

I can't imagine how many cases get thrown out at the Texas courthouse where the Ranger's suspects appear after arrest. Lack of evidence and unlawful arrest being the eternal evidence before court. I can also see a few ICD (Independent Complaints Directorate) cases with all the brutality that accompanies Walker's arrests. The Texas version of Steve Mabona must be swamped by dockets.

Now Chris tells me his analysis informs him that this is an anarchist state we are headed for if the much hyped succession debate is not well handled. He says Mogadishu (Somalia) will look like Moretele Park in Easter if some creepy crawly without proper credentials creeps out of the woodwork and is inaugurated as the next president. 'The police will be disorientated, the nurses lose morale and inject children with HIV as Phindile Mabuza has already started, the soldiers spend nights planning a coup, spooks manufacture non-existent email communication, universities become expensive no one will afford, inflation reaches 3000% and next elections a wetdream. More money will go towards building prisons, schools will be converted to interrogation centres, a Secret Police Force will be set up with arrest, judging and execution powers.

This is not an ideal, but what is going to happen, unless people start realising that they might be individuals but they share a common good - OXYGEN, Kasiekulture and an inherent quality to be good towards the next person.