HUMOUR

TWENTY ONE QUESTIONS

One of my pethates is being asked questions of any nature. I don’t care if you are Larry King or a curious girlfriend. I dislike subjecting my brain to the deep toothpick probing that comes with the need to say something to satisfy the questioner's most possibly 21 Questions. That's why I'm still a stringer because I can't make it past job interviews. I'm no hypocrite because I hate asking questions as well, that's why I choose to write opinions.

So, I felt uncomfortable some time ago when my ex-girlfriend asked me if I was offended watching AnyGiven Sunday starring Cameron Diaz, LL Cool J, Al Pacino, Jamie Foxx and a bunch of naked studs masquerading as football players. I failed to understand the nature of the question until I hired the DVD and watched the full two hours in slow motion.

What she was referring to was the degree of male nudity in the film. She wanted to know if it offended me seeing my full frontal splashed across the screens for Miss Diaz and all other women to ogle at. Though I hate answering questions I felt I needed to say this once and for all. I know some people allege that male nudity can pass off as art, about which the jury, which I'm one of the twelve, is still out. Actually, it's been out since Larry Flynt saw some greenbacks and decided to chase them.

I said that if I can be offended by a few studs flaunting their brains then I should be offended at least twice or more a day or everytime I am with her. The nudity of a man is the last thing to offend me. Not that I have ever thought that I make a good art piece but just that it's me, and I love myself in this birthday suit.
What offends me is anything termed a joke that is directed to a naked man or is about male nudity coming from someone who doesn't have what a man hangs. I'm not sissy to the point where I'm jealous that the same person who cracks "jokes" actually does so about something she knows. Knowing it doesn't mean joking about it though.

If I was that chauvinistic I should be offended everytime a man enters his bedroom with a woman. That's misogynistic mentality which is dangerous and breeds serial killers. I should be offended everytime I mate with a she.

I get offended when I see the nudity of a child, no matter how small or young. I feel that we shouldn't try to act holy now after we messed things up at the Garden, resulting in the Greatest Designer of all Times adorning us in some real haute couture, fur. Please, keep those children clothed.

I get offended everytime I'm at the urinary basin at the Ultra City and look on my sides only to see something that makes me rethink my sexuality.

I get offended when I see trans-racial pornography. Hell no, there's a thin line between racism and freedom of association. I know most celluloid sex is simulated but I can't stand that white on black and vise versa shagging without feeling like a closet racist.

I get offended by the nudity of a blazing cigarette when smoked by a pregnant woman.
I don't feel offended by a naked woman unless she's in the middle of a street after her clothes were ripped off and repossessed by a scorned lover. Now, that's gross.

I also feel extremely offended everytime I go to a strip club, either for journalistic or research reasons. I've seen men parting with crisp bank notes just to smell the scent of a woman (stripper). I have seen men orgasm in their pants just seconds after being invited to the pole and gyrated upon, and that offended me.

I was nicely puzzled while grossly offended watching a DVD called Up In Smoke Tour featuring rap mogul Dr Dre and rapper Eminem. I was puzzled because my sexist-chauvinistic rappers were rapping about how they wanted to "fuc' them hos and bitches" while the sisters at the concert, some flaunting their tits and punanis were all excited, even miming the misogynistic lyrics. It offended me that such a moment of feminine failure was captured on tape as entertainment.

I really know what they mean when they say a woman's body is art, I just don’t' know about a man's. Even the sculpture of David is less arty to me, I just love it there. But I would substitute if for Madonna anytime.

Finally, I don't even get aroused by a pull out poster of a naked woman in some porn magazine. D.H. Lawrance's Lady Chartelly's Lover does that quite well. So, next time you watch a film like Schindler's List and see a penis, don't look at my fly through the corner of your eye, just invite me to your stag party and cut the questions.

PS. On a funny note, I wrote this whole piece in the nude and guess what I used to type this text.