The Joburg Diary III

(Losing my Virginity to Heineken)

Something interesting happened in Joburg last week. After many years of drinking anything from Ohlssons, Captain Morgan, Jack Daniel, Jameson and many different alcoholic beverages I finally lost my Lager virginity to Heineken.

Yeah, the one that a fiend drops in Nas’ One Mike video. This happened unexpectatly and I must confess I never liked the taste, felt something like weak aloe or some muti for termination of pregnancy.

Two nights before I finally bedded Heineken which that Zimbabwe journalist friend which we call D brought from a night jol I had another experience. D came to my room at around 00h12 just after my shower and offered me the poison. Well, me I do anything alcoholic except Lager, but on the night I thought, ‘fuck it, life is short’. I put the two pints in my closet and slept.

The following evening after supper I quietly sneaked into my crib, grabbed my two babies, thought of a romantic way of welcoming the bitch into my one-night stand and decided, well this is the moment to cherish so I gave Heineken a blowjob first to the point that when I popped the cap it came – gushing foamy spunk. I emptied the two green bottles, froze the moment on a Polaroid and sat down to write this post. Now let’s go back to two days earlier.

In my Joburg sojourn I went past Nelspruit on Saturday where my Maputo new-found senhora was coming to hook up with me. I guess you heard the rap song with the lyrics ‘I blink my eye and your bitch is gone’? It’s more in the line of ‘don’t bring your bitch to the VIP suite’ and ‘don’t leave your girl around me/ true player for real/ ask Puff Daddy’. That’s how it happened in the Translux bus from Joburg two months ago with this chick I’ll call C.

She finally crossed the border on Saturday and arrived in Nelspruit in the afternoon, we had a ready booking in one of the city’s inns, immediately she arrived we went there, watched the Paralympics and as they say, the rest is history.

Sunday morning she went back to Maputo and I caught a Translux coach to Joburg for my four days in the city of gold. I was here for two days, attended my investigative journalism course at Wits as it had become custom since the last two months and had so much fun with the boys trying to get umakoti.

Our boy-talk was largely about chatting to strangers, the diamond-cutters from Botswana who I told you about on the other Joburg entry who now wanted us to invite them to a birthday party of anyone of us. It was intense, nobody was birthdaying.

On Wednesday I took the first 8h45 Translux out of Joburg and back to Nelspruit, which was really cold when I got to it. I’ll be back in Jozi on October 26 – 30 and that will be my last Joburg entry for this year. Hope you enjoy hey!

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